As parents, it’s our responsibility to teach our kids how to live and thrive in an ever-changing world. From digital finances to cringe-worthy sex talk, we owe them a truthful and transparent understanding of navigating complex experiences.
Why Talking About Sex is Necessary
Comprehensive sexual education is vital to preventing and reducing sexual harassment, abuse, and assault. It gives kids confidence in their sexual and bodily autonomy. However, this type of education isn’t prevalent and is often fought against. So, kids grow up receiving conflicting information about sex and relationships from multiple biased sources.
Why “the Talk” Should Come from a Parent
The sex talk should come from parents because it’s a parent’s responsibility to prepare their children for the world as it is. In our society, children are exposed to sex earlier and more frequently than before. The only sexual education children receive through the school system, if any, is brief and typically abstinence-focused.
When they have questions, they’re far more likely to turn to the internet than their parents. With so much misinformation, it’s not always the best resource. So, parents should approach their children with the subject when the time is right.
Older kids and teenagers may have questions to which parents don’t have the answer, especially related to sexual health and STIs. When you’re unsure, encourage your child to speak with their doctor during their next appointment or contact a sexual health expert for assistance.
The Risk of Not Knowing
There’s a lot of controversy around whether children should know about sexuality and sexual concepts. However, it’s been statistically shown that providing proper sexual education and resources leads to decreased pregnancy rates and sexually transmitted diseases and infections. The goal of having the sex talk isn’t to encourage your child to have sex. It’s to provide them with the knowledge they need to protect themselves and their future partners from unintended conception or transmission of infections.
Timing the Sex Talk
Many parents believe that the best time to have the sex talk is when their child enters their pre-teen years. However, experts recommend talking about sex early and often.
From a young age, children should be able to identify their sexual anatomy by their proper names. Teaching them to correctly identify their private parts by name is a dual-purpose endeavor. First, it protects them in the event of sexual assault and the adults in their life from missing signs of sexual trauma. Secondly, it is a gateway to having future conversations about sex and sexuality. So, start early by teaching your children about their vagina/vulva or penis/testicles.
Later in life, towards the beginning of puberty, it’s important to introduce and educate on what sex is, how it works, and the risks involved. Around the age of 9 or 10 is the best time to have the dreaded sex talk because most children will experience these ideas and concepts in the real world.
What to Expect
Oddly, your child has likely already begun to explore their bodies, question differences in genders, and may even have a crush. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, all of these are natural parts of psychosexual development. The key to a successful sex talk is to gauge your child’s reaction and let them guide the conversation.
Your Child May be Awkward or Shy
Nobody wants to talk about sex with their parents. Respecting your child’s boundaries while ensuring they have access to the information they need is vital. If your child is shying away from the conversation, check in with them. Talk to them about what specifically is making them uncomfortable and adjust. Reiterate that you’re only telling them what they need to know at that time – nothing more, nothing less – but that they can come to you with any questions.
Your Child May Have a Lot of Questions
Children are naturally curious and have likely begun to explore their bodies. It’s important to open up a channel of communication by answering their questions clearly and directly. Don’t shy away from using the proper terminology and talking mechanically.
For example, if your child asks how babies are made, you’d say, “Men have something inside of them called sperm, and women have something inside of them called an egg. When the penis releases the sperm inside the vagina, the sperm swims to find the egg. When the two meet, that’s how babies are made.”
What your child needs to know about sex
We’ve talked about when and why kids need sex education. Now let’s go over what is included in that.
Boundaries and Consent
One of the most important conversations to have with your child revolves around setting boundaries and the power of consent. Your child needs to understand that, when the time comes, they have control over their bodies and what they allow in a sexual or romantic setting. While it may seem counterintuitive to give your kids reign over their own bodies when you want to encourage abstinence, it’s detrimental to their understanding of sexual interaction.
You can help your kids set boundaries that are appropriate for their age. For example, when your child develops romantic interest, they may not be comfortable with public displays of affection. So, you can teach them how and when to say no, along with what to do if their boundary is disrespected.
Talking to your kids about respecting boundaries is just as important as teaching them to have boundaries. Especially for young men, sex is often depicted as a conquest to be won. Young men are often encouraged to pursue sexual relationships, and, unfortunately, the behavior that is modeled for them is not always respectful. Learning to recognize when others are enforcing their boundaries and how to respect them are crucial life skills to have as kids grow into adulthood.
Birth Control and Contraception
Being properly educated about the available birth control and contraceptive resources is proven to reduce teen pregnancy. Kids should not only know about the types of contraception available but also have a say when they obtain them. Ensure that your child knows each type and how they can access them.
Contrary to popular belief, contraceptives do not “give a child permission to have sex.” Rather, it protects them from unintended consequences if and when they decide to have sex. For girls, the conversation about birth control is particularly significant. If your daughter has intense or irregular periods, birth control can regulate those issues.
Conception and Pregnancy
One of the best things you can do to protect and educate your kids is to teach them about reproductive anatomy. It’s recommended to do this in mechanical terms only rather than associating it with emotion. This helps prevent your child from attaching the feeling of love to pregnancy and sex. They should understand how their bodies work, how babies are made, and why they aren’t ready for the responsibility of pregnancy and parenthood.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Infections
Younger children don’t need all the gross details. Simply teaching them to pay attention to their private parts – how they look and feel – and to notice when something is different is a great start. Older kids should have a baseline knowledge of the major STIs and STDs, what the symptoms are, and how they’re spread.
Beyond all that, the focus should be on protecting against these things when engaged in sexual activity. Protected sex is safe sex.
Bodily Changes
The heart of sexual desire is hormones. When kids go through puberty, there is a massive surge of these hormones. They eventually balance out as adulthood is reached, but not before causing a few physical side effects.
Kids must know what changes their bodies are going to go through. For most teens, this includes developing acne, body and pubic hair growth, and mood swings. Boys may experience voice changes and a growth spurt, while girls will have their first menstrual cycle and changes in their figure.
Making the Sex Talk Inclusive
You may not think to be inclusive while talking about sex if your child is straight or cisgender (identifying with the sex they were assigned at birth). However, doing so is important because it addresses a common personal and social issue. You never know what your child is going through, and making the sex talk inclusive can open the door to lines of communication about gender and sexual orientation.
